nothing smile

i wish i was special
i wish i was your type
i wish i was the stage diving-long haired siren
god of rock and death and life

and i want to overlook the city
on the rooftop of our school
all the criminals and perverts
all the boys you think are cool

i wish you'd let me die
my pillow is your lap
showering under your teary smile
heavy eyelids before i go away for awhile

but you would only miss me
because i'd really be gone
and not there for you to chase around
as a hound chases a fox.

"nothing" i said to you last night
when you were asking me what was wrong.
it was because i feel so alone sometimes
and lately you.. you just..

i need someone more vulnerable; more weak less strong
someone who fits the cliche of needing a shoulder to cry on

yet someone who doesn't smother me with small talk
unwarranted compliments or clingy jealousy

but

someone less independent.. to make me feel, needed.
some sort of sexual, emotional, responsible creature.

lights like braille

bitter water green with onions
and banging heads with the air
and all because of the glowing guitars
and the blast beats do you dare

forget your cares and your worries
troubled troubles
doubted doubts

i am god of procrastination
ill tell you all the in and outs
someday

turning back to snap a picture of the pasadena nightlife
the photo became blurred and little lights
became braille words
bursting out at me like shooting stars

i would like to spend the evening on a blanket in the grass
acoustic guitar, clinking whine glasses

cautiously optimistic
i affirmed my goals just to complete them much to early
i'll repeat them
and she's yearning to get her mind bent again

sleepy children speaking randomly with no censor in their heads
that is purity and i miss it to death.

forgetmenots

the fires in the sky opened up like seeping water
we are fragile yet we're not afraid to die;

she is flat; she is beautiful like genocide the music plays
she smiles-- she won't tell me her name

i am waiting for the train to take me back it's been two hours
she won't talk to me she's over it
drowning in neon rain

forget me not
this wicked frame
you're neglecting me
there is no one else but myself
to blame
forget me not

the air is sneaking in my ear it muffles every sound
i am worthless as the bronze dust on the ground

silence; pray that is the only sound.

yawn anesthesia

i wonder what is happening under my nose
the answer; so simple--
i'm conjuring up a ghost

oh insomnia poison this mind
and leave my sanity far behind
into the silver world
where fairies tell tales of boring humans

queen manipulation is settling my mind
with hoarse whispers in italics
lies, lies, lies

come sailing on plastic wrap
give me a picture of a silver world
and yawn for me Anesthesia; until the next turn
in line
and the next one to burn, tonight

double check danny

Tired of trying, waiting to die
I’m sorry for being such a bore to you
But I wanted to love you more than just every other week
or two.
Waiting for words, like water, without breadth
I see no one else beside me at the alter
shaking flesh
so cold; so suffocated

escort me through purgatory
through suffocating and deception
hanging by a thread
over all the sky to a noose around this neck

why not cut me loose? Instead of lie
just let me sleep because you and I are tired

and through the rye fields in a golden ocean
I’d sweep through with some sort of polish,
falling
off a cliff and hit the rocks and all this wit--
would be swept away in blood ruby pieces
to rot under sapphire waves

and all just to drift ashore
and rest on grains and ashes

children have summer plans
top secret, exclusive;
elaborate lies to keep from a world
that plainly,
couldn't give a fuck--

secret parties and secret dining;
masked through lies and concealing
don't feel sorry for us!

i am proudly alone with no desire
to celebrate in any condition
except my own

i am experiences taken for granted
a wealth of mistakes to be learned from and yet
quietly shuffled off into the night

unneeded or thought about
the sweeping grassblades in moonlight wash along the wind
and she is staring off into space again

obligated to me she won't try to escape
just remain in place and wither;
i'm sorry for being such a bore...

you know those stories about less fortunate kids who overcome adversity to become incredibly successful and all that?

this isn't that kind of story... im following the paths of those who burn out quickly and die young, who set their sights high and fail spectacularly, because in the end, i am just too goddamn apathetic to change things.

rules

you are all that i live for,
but I don't mind dying for some no-nothing cause
a bolstered boredom;
sleeping to wake up to the next sleepy day

hope you have better luck, love
with rockers in the sun among crowds in waves

the ones you break your rules for

while here i patiently wait
trusting that someday
you'll break your rules for me; maybe
soon, soon, you say
whilst in the mean time i am a dog with a stupid grin
panting; at the door, living for the moment you throw me
a one-worded bone.

time is wasting, feeling creative
waiting for toothpaste to dissipate mint
the bus is taking much too long
i'm far too dangerous to be allowed to sit
stewing in mindful tangents; through the circles in his head

and in the mornings she sleeps and wakes during my mid morning nap
like cats in love mewing at night; throw a boot
go to sleep again.

contradictory care

she with sunburned skin
smells like winter rain
contradicting the disappointments that
a boring life breathes in

with her laugh; full of teeth
looking everywhere except here
milky eyes gone somewhere else
gone afar, gone away
and where she is; she won't let me stay with her.

giving me so little i am frustratedly tantalized
i want more of her less.

neglected, the arteries rust in rain,
baking, breaking in the hot, winter cell.
i'll never ever see her again, dwelling in winter hell.

she tells me to go away, when, I just wanted to help.
but, in photos of her face her spoken words silently say
she loves me, I think.

180

she loves me; she loves me not
in my room in the summer i'm beginning to rot
but i have her in my head and on my phone and in an instant message
she loves me! i know, it took awhile for me to get it.

kissing her
like drinking water like quenching a thirst
except warm and cozy and comfortable and sleepy

and she's beautiful in her sleep
her bent knee; her messy, wiry bedhair
her exposed jawline
her slender arms.

her breath hot and like milk
when we kiss and go to bed
and take naps together
and wake up together
and run after the school bus together!

ignoring me

what a mistake i made
and now its too late
i never feel wanted
i shouldn't have stayed

and the hot morning's still till it meets the cool wafting breeze
inside it is simmering.
resentment, total, maddening anger and resentment to her
i am attention depraved

hurry, hurry through the thickets; through the fog
through the mire, and the branches--
It can't be long.

I am not a dog.
This love is not unconditional.
This love is unsure
This love is hurting
This love is waiting
This love is not worth it.

And the ticketman rips the ticket in 'twain.
You see me in the window, smiling crookedly.
I am patient and subservient, my love undeserving,
but in no way infinite.

unwanted.

remember when he stayed up late with you to tell you he loved you?
how he held your hand and looked at you like you were his world?

remember when he ignored you, and one night it clicked?
your beauty, your smile, your laugh it hit--
and he realized, his world changed, you made him feel simple again

and remember when you found out?
his past, his sorrows, his plight, he put
his trust, his life, in your hands
it was tough--

and remember laughing at your phone, feeling stupid
stupidly smiling
when he made you laugh at 2am,
when just an our ago we were crying?

when I first kissed you,
when we first danced
when we last danced
to Forever Young

We were infinite together, whenever that song was sung.

Remember how you felt when all of that was gone...?
Remember how hearing it without him sounded wrong...?

mindflow censor; off

dropping clues dropping hints dropping sighs
dropping lies drooping eyes
affection felt falling i idealized
the girl
and bored she stares off into space
and her hand goes limp in mine
i think its time to redesign
i think its time to realign
myself my needs my loves and priorities
go away for a while and come back stoic
silently suffering to who do i owe this;
too dependent too eloquent to expressive and perceptive
too willing to discuss and I resent this.

i'm available here, collecting dust--
take a hint- see me spin, spiraling down
down into the mud again.

but darling my love is inadequate...

but darling my love is inadequate
said dan to his sheltered love bunny

the kids who skipped along foothill
hiding behind little autos, tires, telephone poles
flying planes we grew our toes
from Basho and his friends, who are out of their minds, looking up
the moon

darling, it's not enough, i'm too unkind
so dan took a walk down summitrose to the park late that night
musing about life
and its all an all too convenient fantastic story
not even worth the hype
it's all so tiring, and just for a trick.

darling, im sorry it's not enough,
that i'm far too sick.

poignant illusion

hanging over me, the wallflowers
dying memory corsage
rotting, beautifully

boutineer, baby's breath, waiting yet
undeserving of any love any longer

he goes to purgatory, an act of love so strong
it commends terrorism to himself
to those i love
to the purest spirit

gone and sold for 150 roses
anonymous loves each, and the Wallflower
feeling so dirty now so soiled so far gone
he craves the days

simple joys-- held hands, stolen kisses, simple days.
innocence lost.

a flowing river!

waking up sleepy I forgot

"sigh, meet a flowing river!" she says

words i remember, places i remember

a detour to the park alone after grease
stains and how embarrassing i forgot;

before the girl's existence was of little consequence
to me,
deliberating the point of my own;

pain killers, little nooses taken with water

over and over and over
gonna use that hate to tear myself from my true life giver
my little center of attention. i'll go back, off myself again.